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A series of poems I titled endearingly, “The code-pendant” Diaries, as a testament to overcoming old patterns of my own lineage:
I can be
If I want to.
I can be
Bold. Audacious. Fierce. Loud.
I may have forgotten how
But it’s still within me
And it’s arising now.
I’ve lived a whole lifetime
Meek and mild
Scared to speak out
Too tamed to be wild.
Somehow i was domesticated
Way too early in life.
To shut up and be a good girl
Is how I managed the strife.
Careful and gentle
Has served me well
But I’ve reached a time in life
Where Im repressed as hell.
Life force energy- stuck in the muck
Of a muzzled child unappreciated and stuck.
By a world with a harsh command
Hushed down by a family that didn’t understand
But now I journey back to wholeness
I see why parts of my life are a mess
I boxed up the part of me long ago
That was wild and riled and ready for the show
I’ve played small and I’ve played victim
Looking for external conviction
Ignoring my visions
Second guessing my soul
For the worlds permission:
A well respected tradition in the satanic superstition.
I understand it now, all too well.
And the more I see it, the more compassion that swells.
For I have always been and always be complete.
I need nothing from this world and it needs nothing from me.
I am happy to march to the rhythm of my own beat
To sing and dance and chant and may it be
That I no longer am swayed by the pushes and pulls of my peers
But follow only the energy of GODs calling for the rest of these years.
Nothing of this world can save me
Nothing of this world can enslave me.
Nothing in this world can undo
The completeness that in my soul is eternally infused.
I no longer fear what will happen
When my peers
See all that I am
The boos and the cheers
The beauty and the ugly
The wet and the dry
The presentable and the unacceptable
ALL get me high
I want to live a real life that turns me on
That makes me smile and brings me fun
That makes me laugh, makes me cry
That makes me feel fully alive until the day I die.
And when I pass I will not weep
For as much as I’ve enjoyed life
I only awake from a sleep
Of this precious life
Knowing it was all a dream
And that above all else
I savored each juicy moment
Of its unknowable mystery.
Love it or hate it
Ignore it or appreciate it
Be inspired or be unaffected
Expressions of my heart
Must be erected.
I will say it, sing it, shout it, paint it
I will no longer wonder
If it is or it ain’t it.
It was never the point to make something right
It was always about the experience of the flight.
Soul tribe will come and others will go
The control of this flow I may never know.
Trying to fix a problem
That isn’t meant to be solved.
Remembering it’s a sacred mystery
My anguish resolved.
Learning to celebrate
The parts of me
I used to fear.
The parts I didn’t understand.
The parts i didn’t believe in.
How we torture ourselves
Trying to fix
What was never broken.
Trying to kill
The very gifts
That bear vitality
That truth uplifts.
The way we learn to divvy up
Pieces of our own soul
What’s to be seen and what’s to be hidden
Fragments we can keep and the parts that must be ridden.
Judging the very design of our creators perfect decision.
Renouncing our infinite wholeness,
for a presentable pittance.
This place is strange-
The psyche here is deranged.
God made us limitless
Yet we demand a cage.
I am no longer
Giving my life away
To be perfect.
I already am.
And its only in this sacred truth
Where true perfection
Is found and pursued.
The only way
To free humanity from the cage
Is to FULLY engage
with the life force
And claim our unique strange.
To project out our light
That our soul asks us to
To be so fucking alive
that even the DEADEST AMONG US can feel our wu.
This is how we help them remember
This is how we serve
For there’s no more chasing gurus
The living god within us all burns
As the cleansing waters of the ethers churns and churns.
from doors of deception.
Mine the crystalline medicine
of your divine inner strange
And share it boldly for the children
of the Aquarian Age.
Perfection remains undefined.
Infinity always unconfined.
She sings with all her might
For the very sake of it.
She has no opinions
No reasons to make of it.
No contrived definitions to fit it in.
When we celebrate the divine mystery
We shine light on the dead iniquity
We. Are. It.
The living dead.
Lost their own connection
To the entire point of it all.
We mourn for the loss of these souls
And yet they must get swallowed whole
By the very mother of creation
That birthed them
Will destroy them.
Back into the source they go.
Celebrating the mystery, we understand.
Trying to comprehend it, we forget.
Trying to quantize it, we are lost.